Emotional Intelligence – Grow it for Better Relationships and Leadership

By: Mary Lee Gannon

Your emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to control and use your emotions in a constructive and productive manner.  It is essential to leadership and for successful relationships.  It’s your ability to intuitively communicate so effectively that you inspire others while not being derailed by upsetting or extreme circumstances – to respond most appropriately as opposed to reacting in haste.  In order to hold effective emotional intelligence you must first be self-aware.  In a culture focused on quantifiable deliverables – sales numbers, decreased production time, increased cost benefits, etc., self-reflection isn’t a priority.  I say make it a priority before it costs you money or valuable relationships.

Why is it important to have emotional intelligence?  Simply put – it builds confidence.  Self-assurance grows with heightened self-awareness to a life driven by purpose and an ability to execute one’s goals for a greater good.  So if your behavior in certain situations is predictably ineffective and unfulfilling, improve your emotional intelligence the same way you build other skills, by learning and practicing.

How to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

1.  Identify your own emotion at the time you are exhibiting it or shortly thereafter and name it.  (Anger, frustration, joy, grief, abandonment, fear, love, confusion, etc.)

2.  Identify what caused the emotion.  (Memory from the past, friction with a disrespected colleague, threat of looking bad.)

3.  Accept the emotion and what it has meant to your emotional development.  (Is there a pattern?  Are you perceived as eruptive, self-centered etc.?)

4.  Express the named emotion and the cause to whoever is witnessing it or to someone else appropriate.  (This may include an apology, an explanation, a compliment, etc.)

If you are able to identify and control your own emotions with practice, then you are ready to put those skills to use for your team whenever there is a conflict or need for change.  For individuals to work together they must build bridges across perspectives with compassion.  Compassion is not agreement.  It is a consideration for another person’s feelings and is essential on teams before two objecting parties lapse into defensiveness and a toxic work environment ensues.

How to Use Emotional Intelligence for Your Team

1.  Ask yourself what you must let go of for the team to work effectively.

2.  Be curious and compassionate to the others’ perspectives.  Ask questions.  Articulate what you understand their point of view to be.  Use “I” statements and not “you” statements.

3.  Use the steps above to understand the emotions and behaviors of others.

4.  Make a suggestion as to how the conflict may be handled with compassion to all parties.

An example of emotional intelligence at work for a team might be: You expect an upcoming budget meeting to go poorly because you feel you are not respected.  Let go of that assumption and attend with an open mind.  At the meeting be curious and ask those present if they have suggestions as to how you could better meet your objectives.  State that you understand that everyone fears what will happen if the budget is not met.  Then present your plan, incorporating some of their suggestions.  Thank them for their cooperation.  You may not agree.  But they will respect the way you handled yourself.

Successfully relating to people requires being able to read and understand their feelings and what motivates them.  Understanding yourself and others is essential to build the emotional resonance necessary to achieve ambitious goals in business and personal relationships.  Start now!

Mary Lee Gannon is the president of Gannon Group – an executive coaching, training and consulting firm that produces higher individual and organizational performance through Executive Coaching, Organizational Development, Board Development, Visioning, and Planning.  Her book “Starting Over – 25 Rules for When You’ve Bottomed Out” is available in bookstores or at Amazon.  Get her FREE ebook – “Grow Productivity – A Leader’s Toolbox” at on her web site at www.StartingOverNow.com.