How and Why Can You Choose Happiness?

By: Nancy Mramor, Ph.D.

What is happiness? First it is a choice.  I spoke to a woman who was one of the happiest people I know and asked her what made her happy.  She was an invalid amputee with a blind daughter.  She reported that she had so much to be thankful for! Gratitude is one of the most powerful ways to happiness. It focuses you on everything that is good about your friends, your health, your significant others, work, home and life.  Giving gratitude focuses you on the things that make you smile, not the ones that don’t and it is always a choice.  So if we can choose happiness why don’t we?

Daniel Gilbert, author of Stumbling into Happiness, speaks of the tendency that everyone has toward ANTS, Automatic Negative Thoughts.  The mind produces these thoughts every day in a consistent pattern that judges everything from the driver in the next car to the way you just forgot to water the plants.  The negative flow of thoughts is one of the biggest complaints that I hear from people in my private psychology practice who feel that there is something wrong with them because they can’t make it stop.

A Technique for Freedom from Negative Thoughts – Use daily!

In order to be happy, it is important to direct the mind away from negative thoughts without becoming angry at yourself for having them. They are not going away, so it is important to come to terms with them. During my training, my travels took me to many trainings and certifications regarding methods for releasing and changing thoughts.  For thousands of years, we have known that by calming and slowing the mind you can become aware of these thoughts and detach from them, simply letting them flow by as if they are unimportant and not even your own. I use a technique called Mind-Washing that assists you in meeting this goal.  To Mind-Wash, begin by sitting comfortably in a place and time where you will not be interrupted. Begin to breathe slowly and easily, slowing down and releasing tension, Sense that you are inhaling relaxation into the body and exhaling tension from the body.

• Imagine that you are sitting in front of an ocean. Notice that the waves come in and wash away just as quickly
• Allow a flow of thoughts to begin. As each thought comes up, be aware that it is there without making any decision about it, about whether it is positive or negative, or even important. Don’t wait to have feelings about the thought and don’t even finish the thought.  Instead imagine placing it on a wave and watch it wash down as the wave collapses out into the ocean
• See what comes up next. You might take notice that you are thinking of a bill you need to pay or someone you want to call.  After noticing, go no further with the thought, just place it in a wave, disinterestedly, as though it is not even your own and let it wash away.
• Ask yourself, “What’s next?” and notice what shows up and continue to wash it wash it away.  Stay with it until you feel clear or after a period of about 20 minutes.
• Now is a good time to go into a prayer, meditation or sleep state because you have cleared your mind.
• Prepare to think less negatively and be less affected by negative thoughts as they occur!  Mind-washing carries over into your everyday life by training your brain to let things go.  In fact if you have a negative thought, you can wash it away on the spot!

Clearing Blocks to Happiness

So what if you have been choosing positive thoughts and practicing letting go and are still very unhappy.  There is an expression that positive thoughts are like clear water running into a bucket of dirty water; the more you flood the bucket, the more the clear water (positive thoughts) floods out the dirty water (negative thoughts).  But what happens if there is a brick in the bucket?  No amount of clear water can remove the brick.  Bricks come from traumatic events, low self-esteem, habits that do not support happiness, painful memories, difficult relationships and life events.  Removing the brick may require the help of a trained professional therapist who will use techniques to loosen the bricks and get them out of the bucket.  If you feel that this is the case, do not attempt do cure the problem by yourself, see a therapist. Some of the techniques that I use that I find most helpful in my practice include EMDR, ( Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Neuro-emotional Technique, Hypnosis, Emotional Freedom Technique and Cognitive Therapy.  If you need help finding someone in your area who uses these techniques check the provider list of your HMO and begin to seek someone who is compatible with your intention to be happy. Websites for each of the techniques will also lead you to qualified therapists who use effective mind-body techniques

Accept Yourself Right Here and Now

So what if you have been choosing positive thoughts and practicing letting go and are still very unhappy.  There is an expression that positive thoughts are like clear water running into a bucket of dirty water; the more you flood the bucket, the more the clear water (positive thoughts) floods out the dirty water (negative thoughts).  But what happens if there is a brick in the bucket?  No amount of clear water can remove the brick.  Bricks come from traumatic events, low self-esteem, habits that do not support happiness, painful memories, difficult relationships and life events.  Removing the brick may require the help of a trained professional therapist who will use techniques to loosen the bricks and get them out of the bucket.  If you feel that this is the case, do not attempt do cure the problem by yourself, see a therapist. Some of the techniques that I use that I find most helpful in my practice include EMDR, ( Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Neuro-emotional Technique, Hypnosis, Emotional Freedom Technique and Cognitive Therapy.  If you need help finding someone in your area who uses these techniques check the provider list of your HMO and begin to seek someone who is compatible with your intention to be happy. The resource list at the end of the book will give you some good leads toward greater happiness. And if you are already happy?  Empower yourself to move forward with that happiness and transform your world!

More about Dr. Nancy at www.drnancyonline.com and check out the new Hypnosis for Healing DVD, produced through a grant from the UPMC Shadyside Hospital Foundation.