How important is it? Breathe, Prioritize, Say NO.

By: Lexi Smith

The last two weeks my to-do list has overwhelmed me.  I’m in the process of buying a house and moving – and if that’s not enough stress right there – I am under deadlines at work that are nearly impossible to meet.  This weekend, it seemed like everything was snowballing out of control – until I remembered the very vital activity of breathing.

After a mini meltdown – it was time to take action and get myself under control.  I found a quiet place, closed my eyes, and just breathed slowly – in for five counts and out for five counts.  Breathing makes a big difference in how you manage your emotions.  When we are anxious – our breathing gets shallow and rapid, which increases our anxiety.  When we are relaxed, our breathing becomes slow and deep.  We can change our perspective just by focusing on our breath.

When I calmed myself down, I decided it was time to rethink my approach to stress.  Since nothing could really be taken off of my to-dos – I still needed to pack, and I still needed to meet my deadlines – I decided to prioritize.  Everything that was not a priority for me needed to go or be postponed until a later date.  This would require disappointing people and saying “no.”

Saying “no” has never been one of my strengths.  And now, after saying “yes” to things that weren’t getting done, I was going to have to go back and say, “I’m sorry, no.”

Of course, there are lots of reasons we say “yes” when we really need to say “no” including wanting to help, not wanting to lose out on an opportunity, and fear of not being liked.  To prepare myself I re-read a favorite guest blog posting by Celestine Chua, author of The Personal Excellence Blog (celestinechua.com), on Zenhabits.net.  She writes that there are 7 simple ways to say no:

1. I can’t commit to this as I have other priorities at the moment
2. Now is not a good time as I am in the middle of something.  How about we reconnect at X time?
3. I’d love to do this, but . . .
4. Let me think about it first and get back to you.
5. This doesn’t meet my needs now but I’ll sure keep you in mind.
6. I’m not the best person to help on this.  Why don’t you try X?
7. No, I can’t.

I prefer not to use the word “but” – as it sounds like I’m making excuses and negating what I just said.  So, I changed the 3^rd response to:  “I’d love to do this – and, right now (fill in the blank):

• I have competing priorities.
• . . . this doesn’t meet my needs.
• I’m not the best person to help you.  Why don’t you try X?
• I can’t (no further explanation required).

For those I owed an apology, I simply said, “I know I am letting you down by not following through on my commitment to you, and I am sorry.  At this time, I have taken on too much and need to re-prioritize.”  Then, where appropriate, I offered a solution:

• “Can we reconnect in a couple of weeks when I can give you more of my undivided attention and time?”
• “Can I make a recommendation for someone who might be better able to help you right now?”
• Or . . . I cut my losses and left it at needing to re-prioritize.

If you lost an opportunity or a connection as a result, consider what’s really important.  Is it going to be your well-being, or someone else’s approval of you that really matters?

Lexi Smith is a lifestyle guru for the woman seeking positive change.  She is owner and creative director of Being Fabulous!, a consultation and personal shopping service designed to help clients achieve a higher quality of life by finding their own signature style.