Stop Staring at Me!

By: Beth Slagle, Esquire

The blank stare is an art form. You know what I’m talking about – the look you give when you want to intimidate or show confidence. That “look” in which you’re attempting to convey zero emotion; but the emotionless stare itself speaks volumes. It can make people uncomfortable, appearing confrontational, rude or intimidating. Mastered correctly, it can also be a useful tool.

Depending on the business you’re in, the “the look” can come in handy. I’m a lawyer, and have found the blank stare to be useful in a variety of situations, like when dealing with opposing lawyers who are attempting to get under my skin, or irksome colleagues or clients who got themselves into big trouble, but I don’t want to let them know that they’re in big trouble (this one happens a lot).

And by doing the blank stare, while it doesn’t convey what emotion I’m feeling, it does convey something huge – “you can try to annoy me all you want, but it’s not working”, or “what you’re saying is not impacting me.”

That doesn’t mean that I’m not feeling anything. I could be livid or happy or any other emotion in between. But I’m not showing it. “The look” isn’t something that I use often, as in everyday life, most people would think I was just weird or rude if I showed no emotion whatsoever in my interactions with them.

Let’s be real — staring fixedly into someone’s eyes without blinking has a tendency to freak people out. So, how can you tell how much eye contact is too much? Or, better yet, how much eye contact is the right amount?

Some experts suggest that intervals of eye contact lasting four to five seconds are appropriate. Eye contact is an important channel for communication and helps to keep expression and thoughts flowing between people. It signals your level of interest in others and conveys whether you’re concerned, your warmth and credibility.

The most effective sales people are quite adept in using a variety of non-verbal communication skills, but eye contact is one of the most powerful mechanisms for pulling in a customer or client. To be effective, the salesperson has to play the dominant role in the relationship, and the most effective method of doing so is by portraying confidence. Eye contact is a key to portraying confidence and can make or break a sale. Seriously — who wants to buy a car from a salesperson who won’t look you in the eyes?

And the same is true for every argument, confrontation or interaction that you’ve ever had. Eye contact is empowering and helps facilitate effective communication. It can convey respect, show your assertion, reduce anxiety or tension and seal deals.

If you’ve always been one to avert your eyes or feel awkward or uncomfortable in social or business situations in which you’re interacting with friends or colleagues, start practicing – first with your friends in social situations. Commit to teaching yourself to using eye contact naturally – you’ll know immediately whether they’re engaged or interested in your conversation. And then, keep practicing. Remember – while the “blank stare” can be infuriating or annoying to others, the same is true for someone who averts their eyes all the time. Practice and you’ll find that eye contact will become natural and you will notice a difference in your interactions with others. And so will they!

Beth Slagle, Esquire – Attorney – Meyer, Unkovic & Scott and BizChicks Founder/CEO bas@muslaw.com or beth.slagle@bizchicks.org or 412.456.2890