The Anti-Antagonist: Conflict, assumptions and holidays

By: Ann L. Begler
Originally posted in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 11/23/11

Thanksgiving, for many people, is the beginning of a long stretch of the holiday season when they gather with family, new and old friends, and colleagues who haven’t been quite as available during the hectic pace of work life. For some, it can also be a time of real loneliness that comes with remembering people who have passed on, or struggling through moments of deciding whether to reach out to others. Within my sphere of professional work clients frequently talk about the kinds of conflicts that emerge during the holiday pace and within a climate where multiple expectations can create stress amidst the times of joy. And, some of my colleagues write articles and their own blogs about managing family conflicts during the holiday time. So, for this year I wanted to add my own two cents about something that might be useful — the concept of assumptions.

As I work in various venues to help people think about and deal with conflict I find most have only rarely had conversations about the assumptions that are beneath the situation they are in with each other. I see this as a mediator. I see it in my conflict coaching practice. I see it in my work with businesses and organizations. And, possibly like many of you, I see it within the dynamics of my own family.

One simple definition of assumption is stated in Merriam-Webster as “a fact or statement (as a proposition, axiom, postulate, or notion) taken for granted.” Think about it. How often, when in a conflict, do you make a statement to another person and when making it you do so with great conviction, convinced that what you are directing to the person is the absolute truth, the way it really is? And, how often do you experience the other person doing precisely the same thing? That happens not only between two people. For many of us who work with groups and teams, this process of clashing truths is prevalent there, as well.

One of my first awakenings about assumptions came from work developed by the noted organizational consultant Chris Argyris, and later used by Peter Senge in his highly referenced book, The Fifth Discipline: The Art and Practice of the Learning Organization. My awakening was embedded in Argyris’ tool called The Ladder of Inference (Senge, Crown Business, Revised Edition, 2006). The Ladder reminds us that as we move through life we live in a world of vast experiences. Some are shared and others are simply our own. As human beings, though we share similarities, we also hold many differences. Some of us are more visual, some are able to listen better, others notice the touch of a hand, while another is distracted by smells from the kitchen and doesn’t notice the touch at all. So, given our humanness we often experience the world in ways that are similar to the experiences of some people, and not at all like the experiences of others.

Different people and institutions in our lives have a high degree of influence on us. That means the deeply held beliefs that form parts of who we are and the values we hold are not always identical. All of this simply translates to the reality that in this vast world of so much to see and experience our individual attention is captured by different places. And that’s where the Ladder reminds us to go: to realize what stands out for each of us often represents that starting point that gets us to the assumptions we make and later to the actions we take.

You’ll see a sketch of the Ladder of Inference below. Simply put, Argyris sets forth a process: 1) the world is filled with lots of data, 2) particular experiences and observations stand out for us, and that is where we focus our attention, 3) we give meaning to the things that have our attention, 4) we make assumptions based on the meaning we’ve given, 5) we draw conclusions from the assumptions we make, 6) we then form beliefs that flow from those conclusions and 7) the beliefs we tightly hold direct the actions we take, and so on.

Here’s what the Ladder looks like (reading from the bottom up):

Actions

Beliefs

Conclusions

Assumptions

Meaning We Make

Data and Experience We Select

All Observations and Experiences Possible to See

Consider how often you’re perplexed by someone else’s action (at the top of the Ladder). Or how in other moments someone is puzzled by your action, or some conclusion you’ve reached. If, in that moment, you work your way back down the Ladder you’ll find that the data and experience that caught your attention at the base of the ladder and led you to climb up was very different from the data and experience that was the starting point for the other person.

Consider this example. Two brothers and a sister who were working together in a family owned business found themselves in an entrenched conflict. Sammy was angry as he felt he was entitled to be the person who followed their father as the new President. Sammy had foregone college to work in the business from the time he graduated from high school. Mike was furious that his brother was angry, as it was clear to Mike that given his advanced degree he was the one most equipped to run the business. Sarah, the oldest child in the family was astonished she apparently wasn’t even in the running, despite the fact she was the oldest child and the business manufactured products that had a high appeal for women. As this sibling group began to have facilitated conversations, over time they began to work their way down the individual ladders they had climbed. It became obvious that what stood out for Sammy was an early sacrifice he had made to help their father during a time the business was in some trouble, and the long years of sweat equity he had put into the business. What caught Mike’s attention and became his primary data point was his MBA. And, for Sarah, she fixed on her gender and her place in the sibling birth order. Each person began the process of giving meaning to what stood out for him or her, leading each to certain assumptions, conclusions and beliefs about the role he or she would play and what the business needed. Each began to take actions based on the beliefs that had been formed.

Now, as Thanksgiving and other holidays are near, it’s a helpful time to begin to think about what it is that’s standing out for us about holidays, family and friends. Where are we choosing to place our attention, knowing that giving something our attention actually causes it to get larger and that large, fixed picture is the starting point to a much longer process? What are the meanings, assumptions, conclusions and beliefs we imagine arising if we follow that path.

And, it’s a good time to remember that the things that seem to be so clear and true for us just may not be that way for someone else. The assumptions we find ourselves making drive our beliefs; our assumptions may be incredibly different from the assumptions driving another family member’s beliefs and actions.

If you find yourself at one of those holiday stress points and you’re ready to impulsively jump in, or for that matter, jump out, take a look at the Ladder to see where you are and to consider what you might want to examine. And, better yet, in order for everyone to end up in a place of satisfaction, it takes conversation. When people sit together at the sturdy, bottom rung they have an opportunity to talk about all the data that’s in the field. People can talk about what’s important during holiday time, what each person needs and what people dream about for this holiday time. Family members, friends and colleagues can give consideration to the things they need and to the needs of others. And, together people can create a common set of expectations and, hopefully, find some relief in knowing their actions are built on a foundation of shared understanding.

When we take time to give what matters our attention, and to give people we love our attention, then we truly increase the likelihood that events that could easily turn into times of stress and conflict can be reserved, instead, for the heartfelt gratitude that is the essence of this time of year.

(Photo illustration: Vasiliki Varvaki /Getty Images)

Ann L. Begler, founder and principal of the Begler Group, a Pittsburgh firm providing services in mediation, advanced facilitation, conflict coaching and organizational development. You can e-mail Ann via Ipso Facto. The Anti-Antagonist is a personal opinion column by Ann.