Settling Up in Relationships

By : Jill Mazza

My most recent fortune cookie message read, ‘Keep your feet on the ground and thoughts at lofty heights.’ This struck me as a useful reminder to not settle in relationships.

No relationship is perfect. Most require necessary compromise and sacrifice. It’s when the compromises and sacrifices we make impede our individual growth, happiness and life goals that we need to step back and assess why we’re settling for dynamics that consistently do not meet our standards and expectations. Settling is a choice. Admitting we’re doing it isn’t easy. Are you settling in relationships?

Our investments of time, energy and emotion affect the degree to which we settle. In my experience, settling initially feels like I’m contributing to the development of a dynamic by being more accepting and flexible. Then, that feeling becomes burdensome and pulls me out of alignment with how I want a dynamic to look and feel. While settling may seem like the path of least resistance, it’s a trick we choose to play on ourselves and rationalize away under the guise of ‘making things work’ or ‘going with the flow.’ There is a distinct difference between realistically loosening our expectations of people and situations and lowering our personal standards. Settling is directly related to self-worth.

One of the great things about standards and expectations is that we all have our own. Only we can decide what works and what does not work for us – and it is our responsibility to communicate with control, clarity and confidence so that we don’t compromise our integrity, waste valuable time and give our personal power away.
What would you rather do? Wake up five years from now and admit that you settled on some level in a relationship, regret lost time and resent yourself. Or wake up today, admit you are settling and make constructive changes in your own best interest.

Relationships don’t necessarily have to end if settling is occurring, although it may be best if they did.  There are times when fundamental approaches and lifestyle choices are too divergent for one or both partners to remain committed to the dynamic without settling. To the contrary, the acknowledgment of and effective communication around settling issues may be used as opportunities to shift and strengthen dynamics through mutual efforts. At the core of healthy relationships are partners who individually require what they deserve – and deserve what they require.

Settling for anything less than what we really want in our lives and relationships is like saying we’re not really worth it. Ideally, we never settle. Realistically, we must look at our relationship balance sheets and settle up at pivotal points along our personal and professional development journeys. The lessons learned in the process are building blocks for the happiness and success we seek – and make for insightful fortune cookie messages.

Jill Mazza is a Certified Professional Coach and corporate trainer based in Pittsburgh, PA helping clients to communicate with increased control, clarity, and confidence in life and at work. Contact: jill@mazzacoaching.com.