The Anti-Antagonist: Conflict and Lessons of the Season

By: Ann L. Begler
Originally posted in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, December 21, 2011

Here we are at the holiday season. I was talking with a friend the other day as I was thinking about what the Anti-Antagonist might offer this week. “There’s some message about conflict that’s embedded in this particular season,” I found myself saying. “Maybe I’ll write about that.” “Join the writing crowd,” my friend said, “as everyone who writes about anything right now is trying to figure out the same thing. ‘What shall I write about the holidays?’”

In the midst of pondering, I was facilitating a group I’ve been working with for some time now. They’re in a struggle. As we were closing the group for the morning and doing our ending check-out I was caught by the frequent references to the concept of hope (frankly, a word I haven’t found myself moving toward very often since the time it was the main buzzword in the last Presidential election. That has nothing to do with the candidate and only to do with my own difficulty in hearing the word one more time.) In any event, as the members of the group were checking out, I was caught by the frequency of the closing comments: “ I feel hopeful.” “Yes, I have hope.” “I’ve felt hopeless during the whole session today and after everything I’m leaving without much hope.” That’s when I became convinced there is a connection between the season and hope — a connection that pours over us from the stories, that is in front of us every day as we walk in nature, or when we look out our windows …

Here we are in the season when daylight is its shortest, the warmth of summer is long gone, and even the memory of a beautiful Indian summer is far behind us. We drive home on the edge of night and we wake up long before dawn. In many parts of the world, we brace ourselves for surprising ice storms and snow blizzards. And, in the midst of all of that we are surrounded by a constant message that tells us there’s more to life than what surrounds us in any given moment.

In this season, we honor the winter solstice, knowing that we are sitting in the shortest day of daylight, knowing that from the mysterious darkness we are turning, moving toward the uplifting sun of mid-winter, spring and summer. In this season, some remember the miracle of a child being born. Others in this season find meaning in a different miracle when oil destined to go out instead burned steadily and well beyond its breaking point. If we listen to the stories and give nature our attention we find the lesson over and over: in the midst of the hardest times, in the midst of moments when we can barely see to walk to our destination, when we imagine life to be impossible, there is another voice that calls to us, that reminds us we are not caught in a moment of time we think will never end.

Yet, when we are in conflict, whether within ourselves or with others, those lessons are so hard to remember, so hard to grasp as a way to steady our walk. As I began the group facilitation mentioned earlier I made reference to this season being, whatever one’s religion, a time we offer to each other “peace on earth, good will to all.” I said to the group, one that I hold with great fondness, “ We send those words to others on cards, we turn to a colleague and say, ‘peace,’ we shake the hands of strangers in an open-hearted expression of ‘good will’. What if we were to merely look at each other and here, in this context, offer the same?”

When we are immersed in conflict and emotions are high, we forget we have a choice. When we are caught in an old memory or trapped in pain, we forget we can actually choose an attitude to bring to any interaction. We forget we have a choice, not because we’re bad people, or we don’t want life to be better. It happens when we’re tired of pain and worn out from trying and in those moments we think our situation is the way it will be forever. I offer that those are times when we might remember this season. We might remember what we know – that the shortest day ends and light is on the horizon; that when we feel most lost and unable to see, it’s possible to find an oil that will burn, and when conflict leaves us lifeless, we might remember that, when least expected, the beauty of a new birth steps right onto our path.

So, as a conflict resolver, in this season I’m settling in to remember nothing is stagnant, renewal is fundamental to who we are if we allow ourselves to grab the blessing of opportunity, and for my clients I will offer, with my most open heart, the choice to look around and choose to infuse themselves with the attitude of peace and goodwill.

Ann L. Begler, founder and principal of the Begler Group, a Pittsburgh firm providing services in mediation, advanced facilitation, conflict coaching and organizational development. You can e-mail Ann via Ipso Facto. The Anti-Antagonist is a personal opinion column by Ann.