My Recommendations for NBC
By: Beth Schmidt
NBC’s coverage of the 2012 Olympics continues to get very low marks among social media, water cooler conversation, and people yelling at TV sets. They’ve even earned their own hashtag, #NBCFail, on Twitter.
NBC’s Vivian Schiller, fancy pants Chief Digital Officer, shrugs and calls it whining and points to good ratings. Which is kind of like saying people love rush hour traffic because they sit in it every day. Yep, we’re stuck with NBC’s coverage, so I’m watching it. But I have some recommendations:
1. Smaller blocks of programming more conducive to DVRing limits, provide an accurate guide to event coverage, and wrap-up the day before midnight.
2. All sportscasters should be forced to watch the events live and report on what they see happening. It should be illegal to dub in new (scripted) commentary post-event/pre-broadcast.
3. Sport is drama. Just let it unfold. Even if the Americans aren’t the winners.
4. All swimmers of every Nation outfitted with NERF Super Soaker Hydro Cannons; allowed to blast Andrea Kremer at will every time she tries to ask an answer instead of a question.
5. Can we go back to amateur status athletes?
6. Well, all right. Can we at least send basketball back to the NBA?
7. Vault replaced with Elfi Schlegel; pommel horse replaced with Tim Daggett.
8. Back the heck up. I don’t need to glimpse a person’s optic nerve to imagine what he or she might be feeling during a National Anthem.
9. Ban the phrase “I’ve been working for this my whole life” for anyone under the age of 30.
10. Move all features and promos to Entertainment Tonight or Hallmark Channel. But please do show live coverage of Bob Costas being removed from set to be kept from Olympic coverage until he:
- Studies Geography.
- Cultivates good manners.
- Stops using Botox.
- Agrees to send Matt Lauer to Madagascar.
As I end my broadcast day, for your listening pleasure, some pre-recorded audio (that I have rescripted) from the Aquatic Centre:
“Hey Michael Phelps, will you predict for us that you’re going to win everything? No? Well, hmph, I guess you don’t care about swimming anymore! Hey everybody, Michael sucks! He’s old. He’s done. heehee! Hey, let’s follow this Lochte guy cause ‘it’s his time!’and he made a lot of money doing a commercial for NBC that claims winning at the Olympics can’t be bought. Oh dang, he’s proved it. (And he’s kind of a knuckle dragger in an interview.) Crap! Michael is doing well again! Quick, let’s all run back and see if he will let us lick his feet and purr in his ear and do a retrospective on his most eminent greatness-of-all-time-ness. ‘Hey Michael Phelps, over here! I’m the one who said you’d be the greatest ever while broadcasting your first swimming competition as a sperm.’”
Beth Schmidt began writing at age 8, when she penned the story Kooky House. Unfortunately, she spelled it Cookie House and readers completely misunderstood. As spelling and grammar improved, she did a stint composing very dramatic teenage poetry before going on to earn a writing degree. Subsequently, she has supported her writing habit by taking on various jobs in ad agencies and corporations in the Pittsburgh area. Life Preservers is one woman’s view about the things that keep us afloat: family, friends, community, humor. And sometimes cussing.